Prediction: London’s Next Greek restaurant menu
Asta vrasta. «ΧΕΣΕ ΜΕΣΑ», Thessaloniki, 2024.
It goes without saying: Greek food is having a real moment in the UK right now. It doesn’t even matter whether it resembles, in any way, what you’d find in Greece – label it Greek, and the market will lap it up. Prefer to call it Greek-inspired? Don’t worry, there is an army of influencers, journalists and writers who will go and tell everyone it’s Greek anyway. Lest you were naive and honest enough to sleep on the most lucrative marketing hook since the pandemic. Just call it Greek. It will sell.
As a Michelin Guide Inspector pointed out (before preceding to ordain a restaurant serving no more than one metric handful of Greek dishes as a ‘Greek restaurant’), London has been waiting a long time for good Greek food. Despite the longevity of the UK’s established Greek-Cypriot community, their concomitant culinary ecosystem, as well as Brits’ now-historic affinity with Cyprus, Greeks will observe that, generally, it isn’t too easy to find good, consistent, dependable Greek restaurants in the UK. Kind of a no-brainer, given the UK isn’t Greece, where quality ingredients are an accessible fact of life.
That’s not to say there aren’t authentic independents and community favourites serving good, authentic Greek and Cypriot food in the UK. Instead of putting in the work and delving into that reality, though, The Michelin Guide has chosen a place that represents Greek food the least to almost entirely fabricate the occasion of good Greek food arriving in London.
And, so, by way of commemorating such a monumental fuckup, we’ve designed a menu that reflects just how severely the Greek label has come to be abused in the UK.
This is Souvlakination’s prediction for the kind of menu you’ll find at London’s next mainstream, overhyped, confusing attempt at Greek restaurant.
I’m sure it will taste great too.
APERITIVO
mojito, mint salata juice, boukovo 11
michelada, messolonghi salt 10
STARTERS ETC.
totopos, avocado salata 6
tortilla de patatas, guanciale 6
wild mushroom peinirli, gavros 6
fritto misto, taramas 6
HUMMUS & TAHINI MIXED TOGETHER 6
jerusalem artichokes, salmorejo 6
MEZES
ceviche, tabasco, coriander salata 13
crab tostada, pico de gallo 9
smoked chicken puri, bottarga, lobster bisque 14
amatriciana, kefalograviera 16
MALAKIES
pintxos morunos, tzatziki 18
ramen, Cretan apaki 17
hothoney as a main 32
vaffanculo pizza, kalamata olives 16
OTI NA’NAI
hortopita, lemon 13
cevapi, charcoal bun, romesco 14
grilled meat that says ante gamisou 32
ostrich souvla, mango chutney, caesar salad 55
moscatel 9